The house is mess. Laundry piled up, dishes in the sink, toys in the floor. I can’t find the energy today.
Are we out of milk? Crap. Diapers are low too. I guess I have to go to the store. Wait.. there’s pull ups.. maybe I can go tomorrow. He can get milk on the way home. There problem solved now I don’t have to see anyone.
I didn’t want to do anything today. I did my part. I took care of the kids. They are alive, Fed, bathed, loved. That’s all I got. It’s all I can do. I’m not sure why I felt that way. Why I spent the day sitting on my couch watching a TV show I didn’t even like. Wearing pajamas. Feeling blah. Making almost no decisions. Making little effort. Drowning in my own, probably imaginary but very real to me pain. But I did.
Today depression kicked my ass.
I need to fold laundry. Look at it. Clouding up the end of the couch. Fold it. I can lay here better if the basket is gone. Set it in the floor. What’s for dinner? Spaghetti. No effort. It’s dark in here… Open the curtains. You will feel better. No wait don’t. It’s better this way.
There arent many days lately where I feel defeated, lost or low. But…Today was one of those days. I made it through. Pulled myself up from the depths that is depression and went about my evening as if I hadn’t been lost in my own mind all day. I made it. I survived. I’m a survivor.
The problem with depression is that it doesn’t have a schedule. It shows up whenever and wherever it wants. It comes and goes as it pleases. One day your all happy and good, the next you would rather stay in bed and hide. Today was that day. And honestly if it weren’t for my job as a wife and mother, I wouldn’t make it out of bed most of these days.
But I have a job to do. So I fight. I fight within myself to take care of what needs to be done. And every smile, laugh, hug or giggle, gets me right where I need to be. It pulls me back into the light on the darkest of days. It makes me feel important. Let’s me know I’m needed. That I can’t sit around and be low. Can’t be sad.
A lot of people think depression means that you want to kill yourself. That’s not always the case. Sometimes depression is just not wanting to be anything. Not wanting to do anything. Just to be. That was my problem today. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I wanted to sleep. Not because I was tired but because it would make the day be over faster. I could skip ahead to the good parts. The parts where daddy is home and the kids are playing and laughing together. Not the lonely parts. The hard parts. The repetitive parts.
It’s hard for me to explain. To put into words. I know I don’t have to explain myself. I had a bad day. Everyone does. But mine got better. I actually smiled and believed that I was happy at the end of the day. I owe that to my family. Being here, laughing and knowing that I’m needed and loved.
So if you are someone who also suffers from depression…. You are not alone. And you are important to someone. Don’t give up.
You will survive. You will get through.
Keep one foot in front of the other. Someone needs you. Don’t let depression win. Kick ass and take names.
Hugs – Kuddos and Kiddos
Photo credit – http://walltoshare.com/breathe-its-just-a-bad-day/