I grew up in a whirlwind of pain. Lies. Deceit. Moments that were so unimportant to the grown ups around me. Those moments were important, they just couldn’t see. They were drowning.
There was a lot of fighting between parents in my childhood years. Lots of screaming. Lots of “I blame you” scenerios. Lots of “go to your room” and “over my dead body” moments. I blame no one. I can’t. We are human. I blame alcohol. They were drowning.
I grew up in a big family. Driven by alcohol, cigarette smoke and bad jokes. Moments of rebellion through most of my teenage years, no fault but my own. I constantly tried to be a bad ass. I wasn’t. Not by a long shot, but the one thing I knew how to do was run. When the splatter of liquid from another bottle washed over the house like a hurricane, I ran. I deflected. I made noise so to speak, to take away from the severity of the many moments that were my childhood. I only wished that I had learned what I know now, back then.
I’m not sure what to say here. My mom is a complicated woman. Most of my life she has been consumed by an addiction that has become like nothing I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure if that makes her strong or weak. Who am I to say what battles she is fighting? But the fight has been long. Too long. It has changed me. Even when it didn’t change her. It made me a better mom. I pay attention more. I have grown into this version of myself that I hope someday soon she will actually be proud of.
But it’s not required.
My mom and I have fought so many battles. The war, I’m sure is far from over. My understanding is that mothers are supposed to be different. Nurturing and kind. Mine wasn’t. Mine was drunk. Mean. Narcissistic. She was too busy fighting against the very things that hurt or offended her instead of seeing when she hurt someone else. She had tiny moments when she would come up for air and smile. It would be almost genuine. Then in a wave of alcohol… It was gone.
Recently I had a visit with her. It turned to chaos. I had taken this life I was given and rose above the hatered, pain and fear to purposely position myself into her life…Come hell or high water. And things were better. We talked. We laughed. We cried. Then in an instant. . . It was all gone.
She said some terrible things. She acted terribly. Not in a ” I’m sorry I’ll never do it again” way. She crossed a line. A line that is not supposed to be crossed by your mom. The keeper of the cookies, the protector of young. And she was caught.
I didn’t over react as I would have many years ago, I moved forward. Wanting to protect myself and my children, I vowed never to put myself or them in the same position again. So I distanced myself. Because my mother, the women who I thought had finally after all these years had turned into my best friend, finally destroyed what shred of a relationship we had with each other.
And the pain is like something I have never felt before. It’s a burning, intense, can’t catch my breath kind of pain. To find out that, after years of rekindling and trying to essentially “fix” our bond as mother and daughter, it was lost. In one very long and emotional night.
The next day, was like nothing happened. Either she didn’t remember, or she didn’t want too. But I remember. The alcohol did not drown out the bad for me. So it was all there in the morning. The sun hit my face like any other day, but this day was different. This was a new beginning… One without the closeness of my mother – daughter bond.
We still talk. I call occasionally. We have conversations as thought the world never stopped spinning for a night. But I remember. And as sad as I am that our relationship won’t go any forward than it is now.. I. Am. Relieved. I finally know where we stand. It’s easier now. I know what to expect. I can shield my children from the pain. Let them enjoy the miniscule moments they have with their grandmother where she is actually laughing. Actually happy.
And I’ve made my peace with it all. I love my mom. She’s the only one I have. Without her I would not be in this life. But I refuse to have alcohol as a mother. And I’m so glad that I finally can understand the difference.
Maybe that will make moments with my mom easier to get through. Those tiny itty bitty moments where my mom shines through the 100 proof… And I can’t see her drowning anymore.
– Kuddos and Kiddos
Photo credit is limited but here’s what I could find: photo credit
Some of the small details of this post were changed to protect people involved. I’m not an animal. This is something that has weighed on my heart for many months and until now I wasn’t sure how to express it. If you or a loved one battle an addiction, of any kind, I encourage you to seek help. Life is short.
Also for my followers: I am in need of a legal way of posting pictures to my blog.. any suggestions would be great! Thanks for reading! Hugs!