“Mom” Clothes


So the other day I took my kids to a clothing store so I could buy some summer clothes. Let’s face it, as much as we moms try to stay wearing one size from year to year, it doesn’t usually pan out. This year I decided that I needed to take my kiddos with me on this little adventure. It was an impulse decision, that I later learned was a terrible one. Have you actually tried on clothes in a changing room with a six year old and a two year old? If you have, then I feel you girl!

So, I hate clothes shopping. I will​ buy all the clothes in the world for my kiddos and my husband, but if I have to go clothes shopping for me, I’d rather take a nap. After almost two years going by since the birth of my youngest, I realized that I didn’t have a single pair of shorts. So off to the store I went. 

I had an idea of what I wanted to buy. I also had an idea on my kiddos behavior. I figured that my 6 yr old would touch everything and my 2 yr old would run off. I had no idea what I was about to get myself into. 

So I start looking for shorts in the size jeans I wear. Well turns out that not all store sizes are the same, so I ended up wearing a size that was 4 times bigger than my jeans size. Gasp! I also tried to find a pair of shorts that I would be comfortable in. Turns out that’s hard to do. Being a mom of 4, I’m a little self conscious about my body these days. I’m 33, I’m getting older. Things don’t really stay in place like they should if you know what I mean. 

After shopping for about an hour I left with two pairs and most of my sanity intact. But, I realized something. 

When I was a little younger, I used to say things like ” I’ll never wear mom jeans” blah blah blah. Yea well now I know why moms wear “mom” Jeans. It hides the belly fat from having kids. It’s more comfy wearing pants that are fitting rather than wearing jeans a size smaller so your butt looks good. Yes that is a thing when you’re young. 

I also now know why moms wear yoga pants. Man do I LOVE my yoga pants. Moms love them because we are too freaking tired. I can’t speak for every mom, but if you come to my house in the morning there’s a good chance that I’m wearing the yoga pants that I wore to bed. Heck, I may even have them on at dinner if I’m feeling adventurous.

I know why moms wear leggings, instead of jeans. Because we chase tiny humans all day and unless you buy “mom” jeans, they are restricting and uncomfortable. I want to be able to super clean my house and have full range of motion. Even if I am getting old and everything hurts. I also want range of motion for when I tell my husband I have a headache. Getting comfortable enough to fall asleep with a fake headache is hard to do. 

So it looks like I’m in the “mom” clothes category. And I’m totally ok with that. Especially since I’ll probably never take two kids shopping for clothes again until they are teenagers. 

Hugs! -Kuddos and Kiddos
photo credit: Jonathan Rolande <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/110671496@N06/17284665296″>Children’s Nearly New Sale</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

Things Moms can do, but really can’t.

I’ve mentioned before that being a mom is hard work. It is. It’s all amazing and horrible at the same time. There’s so many things that we can do, but really can’t do. If your thinking about having kids of your own, you should know that all of things I’m about to mention are a no go when you become a parent. 
For starters. Cookies. We can eat cookies anytime we want. Or can we? No. We can’t. We can, but we can’t. See if I want to eat cookies for breakfast, I’m a grown ass woman. I can totally dunk Oreos in milk at 8 am. But I can’t because my kiddos will want Oreos for breakfast too and then I’ll be a terrible person for telling them no. (The trick here is oatmeal cookies. That way if you have to indulge, at least you can say they are sort of, kind of, not really healthy.) 

Then there’s not wearing a jacket. If it’s “chilly” outside, I don’t have to be a wuss and wear a coat. I can suck it up and go about my day. But my kids can’t. So do I want to argue with them because I’m not wearing one and they have to? Nope. So guess what princess? You’re wearing a coat. 

How about leaving your crap everywhere? I get home and I want to set my stuff on the table inside the door. Can I leave my shoes in the middle of the living room? Sure. But no. Because then when I am nagging my kids to pick up their crap, it will only be because they are following my lead. Sucks doesn’t it?

Suppose your sick. I mean really sick. Too bad cupcake. Your mom. There’s no sick days here. Have you tried changing a dirty diaper when you have the urge to vomit every 20 minutes? Yuck. If you’re blessed enough to have a man who steps up and gives you that sick day that you desperately need, tie him up and put him in the closet and never let him leave. He’s a keeper. 

Oh, and those nice clothes you bought? Forget them looking nice for long. Everytime you pick up your tiny kiddo you become a talking, breathing towel. We are talking everything from snot to cupcake icing. So that $30 top you bought to wear to Easter dinner… Well you should have got the $10 one because you will probably never wear it again. 

Long, hot showers. Remember those? I remember being able to stand in the shower for 30 minutes if I wanted too. Now I have tiny human hands under the door waiting for me. Better master shaving those legs really fast without cutting yourself ladies…

Plans. What are those? You can’t make plans.. You got invited to girls night? Well Dad is sick and the babysitter cancelled. You have a birthday party to go to? Well tiny human number one has a fever… It happens almost everytime! Then when you do get a chance to get out, you will get some kind of phone call about them and will have to head back early. #momlife I think they call it.

Grocery shopping becomes a nightmare. If you take your kids to the grocery store you will end up buying a minimum of 3 extra items at least. There will be some kind of meltdown in aisle #4 and checking out will be a fight to see how many candy bars you can “say” you will buy and how many you actually get back on the shelf before they notice. It’s a good time. I’m lying. 

Then there’s staying up late. You can. You’re an adult. But, you’re going to be freaking tired when your kids get up at 6am demanding breakfast though. Or the 4am nightmare, the 2am feeding, the rolling out of the bed 10 minutes before your alarm. I’m sure you get it. 

There’s so many things we moms do for our kiddos. I love my kids. I love doing every single thing I do everyday​. But nobody tells you about the little stuff you will miss once you become a mother. Some moms are built tough for these kinds of things. I deal, but it doesn’t mean I like it. So before you have kids, make sure these are things your willing to deal with. Also you should understand that there’s about a million other “small things” that you “can do” but can’t. Not really. 

Hugs! – Kuddos and Kiddos

***I had a little help with this post. I got real life ideas from some of my awesome mom friends. You know who you are! Thank you! 

Drowning

I grew up in a whirlwind of pain. Lies. Deceit. Moments that were so unimportant to the grown ups around me. Those moments were important, they just couldn’t see. They were drowning.

There was a lot of fighting between parents in my childhood years. Lots of screaming. Lots of “I blame you” scenerios. Lots of “go to your room” and “over my dead body” moments. I blame no one. I can’t. We are human. I blame alcohol. They were drowning.

I grew up in a big family. Driven by alcohol, cigarette smoke and bad jokes. Moments of rebellion through most of my teenage years, no fault but my own. I constantly tried to be a bad ass. I wasn’t. Not by a long shot, but the one thing I knew how to do was run. When the splatter of liquid from another bottle washed over the house like a hurricane, I ran. I deflected. I made noise so to speak, to take away from the severity of the many moments that were my childhood. I only wished that I had learned what I know now, back then. 

My mom.

I’m not sure what to say here. My mom is a complicated woman. Most of my life she has been consumed by an addiction that has become like nothing I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure if that makes her strong or weak. Who am I to say what battles she is fighting? But the fight has been long. Too long. It has changed me. Even when it didn’t change her. It made me a better mom. I pay attention more. I have grown into this version of myself that I hope someday soon she will actually be proud of. 

But it’s not required. 

My mom and I have fought so many battles. The war, I’m sure is far from over. My understanding is that mothers are supposed to be different. Nurturing and kind. Mine wasn’t. Mine was drunk. Mean. Narcissistic. She was too busy fighting against the very things that hurt or offended  her instead of seeing when she hurt someone else. She had tiny moments when she would come up for air and smile. It would be almost genuine. Then in a wave of alcohol… It was gone.

Recently I had a visit with her. It turned to chaos. I had taken this life I was given and rose above the hatered, pain and fear to purposely position myself into her life…Come hell or high water. And things were better. We talked. We laughed. We cried. Then in an instant. . . It was all gone. 

She said some terrible things. She acted terribly. Not in a ” I’m sorry I’ll never do it again” way. She crossed a line. A line that is not supposed to be crossed by your mom. The keeper of the cookies, the protector of young. And she was caught.

 I didn’t over react as I would have many years ago, I moved forward. Wanting to protect myself and my children, I vowed never to put myself or them in the same position again. So I distanced myself. Because my mother, the women who I thought had finally after all these years had turned into my best friend,  finally destroyed what shred of a relationship we had with each other. 

And the pain is like something I have never felt before. It’s a burning, intense, can’t catch my breath kind of pain. To find out that, after years of rekindling and trying to essentially “fix” our bond as mother and daughter, it was lost. In one very long and emotional night. 

The next day, was like nothing happened. Either she didn’t remember, or she didn’t want too. But I remember. The alcohol did not drown out the bad for me. So it was all there in the morning. The sun hit my face like any other day, but this day was different. This was a new beginning… One without the closeness of my mother – daughter bond. 

We still talk. I call occasionally. We have conversations as thought the world never stopped spinning for a night. But I remember. And as sad as I am that our relationship won’t go any forward than it is now.. I. Am. Relieved. I finally know where we stand. It’s easier now. I know what to expect. I can shield my children from the pain. Let them enjoy the miniscule moments they have with their grandmother where she is actually laughing. Actually happy. 

And I’ve made my peace with it all. I love my mom. She’s the only one I have. Without her I would not be in this life. But I refuse to have alcohol as a mother. And I’m so glad that I finally can understand the difference.

Maybe that will make moments with my mom easier to get through. Those tiny itty bitty moments where my mom shines through the 100 proof… And I can’t see her drowning anymore.
– Kuddos and Kiddos


Photo credit is limited but here’s what I could find: photo credit

Some of the small details of this post were changed to protect people involved. I’m not an animal. This is something that has weighed on my heart for many months and until now I wasn’t sure how to express it. If you or a loved one battle an addiction, of any kind, I encourage you to seek help. Life is short. 

Also for my followers: I am in need of a legal way of posting pictures to my blog.. any suggestions would be great! Thanks for reading! Hugs!

Bad day

The house is mess. Laundry piled up, dishes in the sink, toys in the floor. I can’t find the energy today. 

Are we out of milk? Crap. Diapers are low too. I guess I have to go to the store. Wait.. there’s pull ups.. maybe I can go tomorrow. He can get milk on the way home. There problem solved now I don’t have to see anyone. 

I didn’t want to do anything today. I did my part. I took care of the kids. They are alive, Fed, bathed, loved. That’s all I got. It’s all I can do. I’m not sure why I felt that way. Why I spent the day sitting on my couch watching a TV show I didn’t even like. Wearing pajamas. Feeling blah. Making almost no decisions. Making little effort. Drowning in my own, probably imaginary but very real to me pain.  But I did. 

Today depression kicked my ass.

I need to fold laundry. Look at it. Clouding up the end of the couch. Fold it. I can lay here better if the basket is gone. Set it in the floor. What’s for dinner? Spaghetti. No effort. It’s dark in here… Open the curtains. You will feel better. No wait don’t. It’s better this way. 


There arent many days lately where I feel defeated, lost or low. But…Today was one of those days. I made it through. Pulled myself up from the depths that is depression and went about my evening as if I hadn’t been lost in my own mind all day. I made it. I survived. I’m a survivor. 

The problem with depression is that it doesn’t have a schedule. It shows up whenever and wherever it wants. It comes and goes as it pleases. One day your all happy and good, the next you would rather stay in bed and hide.  Today was that day. And honestly if it weren’t for my job as a wife and mother, I wouldn’t make it out of bed most of these days. 

But I have a job to do. So I fight. I fight within myself to take care of what needs to be done. And every smile, laugh, hug or giggle, gets me right where I need to be. It pulls me back into the light on the darkest of days. It makes me feel important. Let’s me know I’m needed. That I can’t sit around and be low. Can’t be sad. 

A lot of people think depression means that you want to kill yourself. That’s not always the case. Sometimes depression is just not wanting to be anything. Not wanting to do anything. Just to be. That was my problem today. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I wanted to sleep. Not because I was tired but because it would make the day be over faster. I could skip ahead to the good parts. The parts where daddy is home and the kids are playing and laughing together. Not the lonely parts. The hard parts. The repetitive parts. 

It’s hard for me to explain. To put into words. I know I don’t have to explain myself. I had a bad day. Everyone does. But mine got better. I actually smiled and believed that I was happy at the end of the day. I owe that to my family. Being here, laughing and knowing that I’m needed and loved. 

So if you are someone who also suffers from depression…. You are not alone. And you are important to someone. Don’t give up. 

You will survive. You will get through. 

Keep one foot in front of the other. Someone needs you. Don’t let depression win. Kick ass and take names. 

Hugs – Kuddos and Kiddos
Photo credit – http://walltoshare.com/breathe-its-just-a-bad-day/

25 Followers! Woo!

So 17 days ago I started a blog. I have no idea what I’m doing. Seriously no clue. It’s basically been a trial and error type of situation. I write about whatever comes to mind or personal stuff that has happened. Still getting the hang of this thrilling experience. The photos, the spacing, the trying not to give myself away when I write.  Because I know if some of my friends read this they would probably guess immediately. Haha! Still not read to introduce myself just yet. But I’m so thrilled that people either have liked what they’ve read.. or can relate. After all, all we really need is someone to relate to. Someone who understands what we as parents, daughters, wives, and hell just as humans go through. 

I wasn’t sure what to expect. But today I hit 25 followers! That may not seem like a lot to you. But I am over the moon! I was just sure that no one would be interested in anything that I would have to share. And here I am moving forward. 

So thank you very much everyone! Thank you for tuning in to my not so glamorous but often humourous life. I hope that when I laugh, you laugh. I hope when I cry, you laugh.  I mean seriously if I can’t laugh someone should.  Again, thank you. It means more than you know!

Here’s to more posts and more laughs! 

Hugs! – kiddos and kiddos 

Normal

       So this might come as a shock, but I’m not your normal mom. I mean what is normal anyways? Seriously? Normal. Pfft. I don’t have a clue what that is.

       I know for me normal is a screaming toddler in your arms because she refused to walk and hold your hand through the parking lot. Normal is putting that toddler in the car seat, but appearing like you are wrestling a rapid alligator. Normal is getting all the groceries in the car and only ripping three bags. It’s also climbing under the car to reach a can of green beans that the toddler wont even eat when you slave over dinner anyways.

       Normal is changing the sheets on your kids bed three times in an afternoon. Tripping over a really, really loud toy in the middle of the night and waking up the baby. It’s pushing a stroller, holding a dog leash and carrying a box of cupcakes. It’s dropping those handmade deliciously amazing cupcakes in the floorboard of your car and having to go to the store and buy store-bought at the last minute. It’s cleaning up another mess the dog has left in the floor and listening to your child cry about her now seemingly dead bear in the floor.

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        Do you want to know what else is normal? Spending HOURS cleaning your child’s room (you pictured that mess didn’t you?), only for them to Completely Destroy It. Normal is dropping an already warmed up formula bottle in the floor without the lid at 3am. Having to go back and forth to your car carrying a baby and Christmas packages into the post office. It’s telling your kiddos to do stuff over and over only to do it yourself anyways. I mean why bother right? It’s burning dinner. Normal is kiddos running through the house screaming.

        That is the everyday norm of a SAHM. Hell that’s the everyday normal for all moms. Literally EVERY SINGLE ONE. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. If you’ve been a mother for any decent amount of time and it still hasn’t… I would like to say that you are my hero and you should email me at kuddosandkiddos@gmail.com so that I may find out your secret!

       Normal isn’t all bad. It’s giggles and hugs. Sloppy kisses and laughter. It’s looking at the angelic face of your kiddo sleeping. It’s watching them grow and learn. But those bad normal days, they make you feel defeated as a mother. They make you want to throw in the towel and crawl into bed. But rest assured, there are better days to come. When you feel like you can’t go a step forward… Breathe! We are so lucky to have been blessed with the opportunity to raise these tiny humans. We get to shape the future of the world. With smashed banana in the floor, permanent marker artwork on the walls and all.

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       Hugs – Kuddos and Kiddos

photo credit: r_ockle Artist’s Hands via photopin (license)

photo credit: docoverachiever N04/23835028019″>Eviscerated via photopin (license)

photo credit: Pensive glance Silhouettes via photopin (license)

It’s the Little Things

So tonight as I gave my toddler a bath I realized something. I don’t notice too many of the little things. Im always in a rush. For example…

This little guy (the plastic stingray bath toy pictured above) is the best toy ever. Let me explain.. My daughter is almost two and she is still learning the ins and outs of day to day life. She is a curious little bugger. She’s also scared of this stinking toy. It fills up with water and then squirts it out when you squeeze it. She’s never noticed that it did that before. So of course when I squirt her with water… She FREAKED. She wasn’t terrified, but it was a ” what the hell is that” moment. And quite frankly.. it was hilarious!

I have never laughed so hard at something so little. I know I shouldn’t be laughing. I mean seriously the poor thing. She had no idea what it was. I filled it up and again, I squirted her with water. And again, she started climbing up the wall. She wasn’t crying. She didn’t ask me to pick her up. She just wasn’t sure how to take it. By the end of the bath I convinced her to try it herself and she squeezed it and laughed, drenching me with water. It was the longest bath she’s probably ever had because I was completely smitten with her. Her curious nature brightened by this tiny little bath toy.
I need to notice these things more. The little things. The smiles. The thought processes. My kiddos have so many  ah ha! Moments that are apart of who they are as tiny humans. These little moments are what will instill the knowledge necessary for them to develop and grow.

And I’m missing it.

I’m cleaning. Playing on my phone. Watching Netflix. Running errands. I’m doing all of the things that make my family run.  Mommy is way too busy to look right now. Hang on a second. I will in a minute. Maybe tomorrow. I need to slow down. The dishes will be there in the morning. The laundry will be OK. I need to be present. I need to pay more attention to the little things. After having this ah ha!  Moment myself, I plan to start doing just that.

Hugs! – Kuddos and Kiddos
photo credit: tokyovisitor22 <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/142976923@N06/30863282682″>I’m home – おかえり</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

Crazy Doesn’t Define Me.

So here I am again. Twice yesterday someone called me “crazy”. All in good fun of course, but my brain shuts down on me and goes Are you crazy? Is that what they really think? Unfortunately for me I’ve played along and made jokes my entire life about how “crazy” I am. 

Here’s the definition of crazy. 

cra·zy

ˈkrāzē informal adjective

mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way “Stella went crazy and assaulted a visitor” synonyms: mad, insane, out of one’s mind, crazed, lunatic, non composmentis, unhinged, mad as a hatter, mad as a March hare;

Extremely enthusiastic “I’m crazy about Cindy” synonyms: passionate about, (very) keen on, enamored of, infatuated with, smitten with, devoted to; 

adverb NORTH AMERICAN I’ve been crazy busy”

noun NORTH AMERICAN

mentally deranged person

(Sorry about the spacing for some reason it won’t fix.)

Well I’m not. I’m not crazy, crazed, cray cray or the like. I’m your friend, your daughter, your niece, your cousin, your wife. I’m a mom. I have been though a lot of things in my life. A Lot. That would make anyone feel and act differently. But I’m not crazy. I stand up for myself. I fight. I yell. But I’m not crazy. I’m a mom, I’m a chaperone, I’m a dishwasher. But I’m not crazy. I’m a cook, a maid, a singer, but I’m not crazy. 

I have a mental illness that effects my ability to control emotions. But I’m not crazy. 

I have bad days, and good days and mideocore days. But I am not crazy.

I don’t know why it’s now that this bothers me. But it does. It almost hurts my feelings when it’s said. Trust me I know that no one else means it the way that I take it. I know they are using “crazy” as a form of fun. It’s not. 

So in conclusion. I’m not crazy, and I’m pretty crazy about it. 

Hugs – kuddos and kiddos

Stranger Danger

So yesterday I came home to someone lurking on our property. He claimed he had just knocked on the door, but pulling In I could tell he was snooping around. After he left I couldn’t shake the feeling that we may not have seen the last of him. Turns out he’s a known theif and he appeared to be on something. He was all over the place and I could barely understand what he was saying. 

Turns out, it was apparently a day for issues with strangers because my 6 year old came home from school with a piece of paper talking about the important role we have as parents to make sure our kiddos understand things. Like gun safety, strangers, abuse and others. 

So curious, I asked my daughter what she should do if she is ever confronted by a stranger. Of course she said ” run to you or daddy”. The innocence of that answer made me nervous and I realized that she had no idea what to do. What if her daddy and I weren’t there? What if she was alone? What if I couldn’t keep her safe? 

Today’s world is a crazy one. Wait.. you know what that is a giant understatement. There are so many terrible, horrible things going on in the world and as a mother, I’m drowning over here in cuddles and little giggles to take it seriously. I need to make sure my daughters and my son know what they can do to protect themselves. To remove themselves from dangerous situations. Or at the very least, give them the knowledge necessary to help. 

So needless to say tonight is “Stranger Danger” night at my house. And hopefully it will help keep my kiddos safe and give me a little piece of mind knowing that they have the tools necessary to keep them out of danger. 

Hugs- kuddos and kiddos

photo credit: paul_appleyard <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/20342758@N00/25355646412″>Camberley 2 March 2016 041</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;
photo credit: bort.i <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/130210712@N05/22380090026″>Rainy Lights</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

Feeling accomplished

Today I rocked at mom life. I mean rocked it. The kids were fed. The dogs were fed. The laundry is done … Well not anymore. But it was I swear! The dishes are done. I played blocks today. I read a book today. I went outside (gasp) and got the mail.  I made tortellini for dinner. My daughter’s homework is done. Her backpack is hanging up for tomorrow and shes bathed and in bed. My mini is relaxing on the couch next to me about to fall asleep. I mean hot damn y’all .. I rocked it. 

I actually have nothing else to do. Nothing. I can sit back and relax. Do you know how long it’s been? AWHILE. 

It makes you think about all the rush rush rush of mom life. I’ve been going non stop for days. I find myself so busy. Always moving. Never really accomplishing anything. There’s always one more plate to wash. One more thing to do. Not tonight. I am taking off. Done. This mama has left the building. I’m going to take a really long shower. Then Maybe  I’ll sew something. Maybe I will have ice cream and watch TV. Maybe I’ll read a book. 

Ha. No. Who am I kidding? I’m going straight to bed! 😂

Hugs! – kuddos and kiddos